My Kitty Died Today

The kitty I've had since I was about 6, I think.  Her name is Licorice.  I named her that because when I got her she was all black with one or two little brown hairs.  As she got older she changed colors; she is a tortishell cat.  She was the sweetest cat ever.  She would just lay under the covers with you and hug when it was cold.

I'm at school and she is at home.  But I am glad I am here.  But I feel bad for that.  I'm glad that I didn't have to take her to the veterinarian and hear the bad news, and cry at the office.  I'm glad that I didn't have to see her sick.  I'm glad I didn't have to see them stick her with needles and IVs.  I feel like I missed something that would have been really sad.  But I also miss the hugs and the family support I would have gotten if I were home.


Maybe this is a bit dramatic, but I feel it so, I feel like I'm losing a little bit of my childhood.  I got Licorice when I was just little, and I'm not little anymore.


My Mother set up a Find A Grave page for her.  I thought it was a little weird, but after I looked at it, I'm really happy it's there.


I think I'm probably in the fourth stage of grief, depression.  I'm tired. I want to sleep, but I'm not sleepy.  I want to eat, but I can't think of anything to eat.  I just want to sit on the couch and watch a sad movie, but I can't right now, for a couple of reasons.


One of them is I have to do some research for a Literature Review paper.  I can't find stuff.  I might have to change my topic.  I'm upset about that.


But my kitty died.  Shouldn't everything stop?  Just give me time to sort out my feelings.


Don't tell me that I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.  I don't want to be distracted from my emotions.  That can't be healthy.  I want to feel everything and then release them.  If I held everything in now, and let it build up and harass me, then in 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years, I let them out, no one would understand and it would be harder to let out.  That's why you have emotions.  To feel them.  To express them.  And to let them out.


Seventeen years ago today, my Aunt and two Cousins and Uncle died.  So Feb. 19th is a weird feeling day anyways.


I'm going to sit here.  In peace.  Knowing it is okay to cry.


This is one time I'm not going to blame my emotions on my period either.  I already really don't like it when I do that, so I might just stop doing that altogether.


The next step is acceptance.  I look forward to that, but I'm okay sitting here now.


"The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:17-18